Friday, June 17, 2011
Im thinking of entering this poem into a competition. Any changes or suggestions?
Generally, I like it a lot. The main theme is interesting. However, some of the word choice and phrasing seems imprecise. "There is none a peep" seems like a rhyme constructed to achieve rhyme instead of meaning. I think you can end that stanza with a stronger idea. "With hunger that gleam" is not grammatically correct. Looks like you left the "s" off to make the rhyme work. "Climbing claws I will bet" is awkward, as is "I'll give you a hint." You're describing a scene in the jungle. There's no reason for the "I" voice to intrude. Finally, watch the length of lines. Most are short, with two accented syllables. Then you have lines like "the deadly pounce that comes stealthily" which has four. It doesn't match up.
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